Business-Mode Bobby (Dana Ashbrook) is back at Ben’s. Ben (Richard Beymer) sent for him, so Ben is clearly not in a good headspace. He’s also made a knick-knack tower, crowned with the stuffed animal from which Leland took the fur. Ben claims he’s “in the penthouse” (metaphorically), but seems like he’s heading down a Howard Hughes path, tissue boxes on his feet and jars of urine may be approaching Twin Peaks soon. Oh god, Ben is hiring Bobby to tail Hank, feels like hiring Jar Jar Binks to tail Boba Fett, but sure.

The new Mrs. Milford (Robyn Lively) runs screaming down the corridor, stopping briefly to check Bobby out along the way.

Cooper (Kyle MacLachlan) is looking to buy some property, and tosses a coin to determine which property to look at – doesn’t call the toss in the air, but it lands on Dead Dog Farm, bloody hell what a name. “A puzzle, no-one ever really stays there long.” “When can I see it?”

Dick Tremayne Designer Menswear (Ian Buchanan) is wearing a fur-lined denim shirt and shorts, my how the mighty have fallen. Was he hired because of the size of his grin? Taking Little Nicky (Joshua Harris) on a camping trip, and is talking to Nicky’s case worker, it’s Molly Shannon! Apparently Nicky’s parents died under… “mysterious circumstances”, score lets us know that maybe Nicky killed them?

So the recently married Mr Milford has died of a heart attack, surrounded by sex books and toys, “went out with his boots on”. Focusses specifically on My Secret Life by Chris Gerritty, which seems to be a fake book. Andy (Harry Goaz) blushes reading a few words (but then Andy probably blushes when he sees Whistler’s Mother). Mayor Milford (John Boylan) tells the widow “She’s a witch, you’ll burn in hell for this.” She claims to be cursed, she kissed a boy in high school and his brace rubber band snapped, locking his jaws open (HOW?), requiring his jaw to be broken in 3 places. More hijinks between Andy and Hawk (Michael Horse) please, Hawk bigging himself up to the bride, leans on a door, Andy opens it from behind, Hawk falls through. Classic.

Wrestling coach (Ron Taylor) giving racism speech about first black football player (missing out all the names) being allowed to play, so he can have Nadine (Wendy Robie) on the wrestling team. Nadine taking on their best, Mike Nelson (Gary Hershberger). He teaching her how to wrestle whilst she asking him out on a date. She easily defeats him, almost breaks his neck. Easily picks him up and throws him too.

“I don’t wanna go out with someone who can bodyslam me” Mike experiencing a little turnaround is fair play, I wonder how many girls he’s dated who’ve wanted the same thing? He asks Donna (Lara Flynn Boyle) to help. I feel like we’ve not seem much of a reaction from Donna about the death of Maddy and finding out Leland killed both her and Laura. Ah well, can’t dwell on these things forever I guess.

James (James Marshall) is still with Evelyn (Annette McCarthy), and her brother Malcolm (Nicholas Love) shows up too. This doesn’t seem all that right. Her brother is her husband’s driver? Got a nice uniform and key to the liquor cabinet, drops info that her husband Jeffrey beats her every so often. Clearly they’re setting James up to kill this Jeffrey fella. Another J? Seems unlikely. James is just dumb enough to fall for all this, probably.

Cooper checks out DEAD DOG FARM, maybe rename the fucking place, jeez. Irene (Geraldine Keams) is a terrible realtor, “Well, it’s still standing!” Only those with the purest of heart are drawn to the place named Dead Dog Farm. Fresh car tracks from three vehicles in the dirt outside. Jeep, a 4-wheeler and a luxury sedan. Cooper can sense there’s been a meeting inside in the past few hours, cigarettes still in the ashtray, no running water so traces of baby laxative in the sink – from cutting cocaine? Yep, cocaine on the seat.

Dick Tremayne Designer Menswear is trying to change a tyre on a wheel Nicky keeps turning from inside the car. “This is all so… technical.” Nicky has matching clothes to Dick, fun. Little Nicky, who I cant help but think is some kind of Damien/Satan’s son situation, seems expectant of the car dislodging and falling on Dick, but rushes back and hugs him, “What if you died Uncle Dick?!” Dick looks concerned too.

Colonel Riley (Tony Burton) shows up, looking into the disappearance of Major Briggs, asks whether Cooper saw an owl before he disappeared! The monitors are pointed from space, but the message saying “COOPER COOPER COOPER” came from the woods, says “classified” at the mention of the White Lodge, so it’s definitely real and seems to be the new big mystery for the second half of the series. Briggs was the best pilot Riley ever known. “The Cold War seems like a case of the sniffles.”

James with Evelyn, wearing a low-cut top, sidles into the car next to James, stroking the steering wheel, tells James to mind his own business. James goes in for the kiss and she reciprocates, this better be a ploy. Car horn beeps, Jeffrey (John Apicella) is back. Is Evelyn missing a tooth? Result of Jeffrey’s abuse? I don’t care for any of these people.

Audrey (Sherilyn Fenn) is waiting for Bobby, he’s flirting heavily with Audrey, because he’s a scumbag trying to flee the Shelleo situation. He tries to kiss Audrey! DICK. Audrey goes to listen in from her secret corridor – this season has been lacking in secret hidey-holes so far. Bobby finds Ben playing with soldiers, and what appears to be a confederate flag unfurled, wearing a confederate soldier coat. Oh boy. Re-enacting the battle of Gettysburg, day one, the south is winning. Bobby is easily played, doing all this without money having been discussed at all.

Pete and Catherine (Jack Nance & Piper Laurie) celebrating. “Wine comes in at the mouth, love comes in at the eye, I touch my glass to my lips, I look at you and sigh.” Pete quoting Yeats. She keeping him drunk so he’s ok with the Josie-as-maid situation? Catherine announces she’ll be treating Josie (Joan Chen) with the respect she deserves, then makes her put on her “little maid’s cap.” “She’s lucky she’s not hanging from a tree” blames Josie in part for Andrew’s death, despite Andrew being very much alive.

Cooper received returning chess move before his (printed in newspaper) could have been seen – unless Earle had an in at the paper or a mole at the hotel. Audrey arrives with the letter Bobby had for Ben, photos of a meeting between Hank, Ernie, Sgt King from Mountain Police and Jean, Cooper says she may have saved his life, “That makes us even then, right?” Special Agent Denise Bryson (David Duchovny) shows up. “They have women agents?” “More or less.” Audrey gives Cooper a kiss on the lips on her way out – she must remember Cooper said they couldn’t be together because he was an FBI agent, and now he’s not one! “How old was that girl? I may be wearing a dress, but I still put my panties on one leg at a time, you know what I mean?” “Not really.” I’m not qualified to judge if the character of Denise is being handled respectfully or not, so I’m opting to not weigh in.

Upon returning to the station, Dick seems happier to see Andy than Lucy (Kimmy Robertson), voicing his concerns that Little Nicky “may in fact be the devil”. Andy imagines the boy dressed as the devil, which is fun.

The Mayor is told his brother died of natural causes, “Did you check for witchcraft? I want to press charges, she killed him with sex!” Harry and the Doc (Warren Frost) trying not to laugh at old mayor rambling about his brother’s death. Hawk trying to console the widow Milford, the other men look on and part-recite something in unison? This is unusual.

Lucy takes a call for the sheriff, he’s nowhere to be found, goes out on the station tannoy, station seems abandoned. Lana is entertaining all the men including Harry (Michael Ontkean) in Harry’s office. She IS a witch! Why am I constantly surprised by every direction this show takes, even when it’s signposted to me in the actual dialogue?

Ernie (James Booth) is enjoying some chicken in the diner, Denise approaches and sits with him, shows the photos, parole violation. Ernie confesses to Cooper and Denise, insists that he only went to sell drugs because they threatened him at gunpoint, lying through his arse. Denise planning to pose as a drug dealer at the Dead Dog Farm the next day.

James and Malcolm overhear Jeffrey assaulting Evelyn in a storm, the brother swore he’d one day kill Jeffrey. What has James wandered into here?

Non-business Bobby returns, his mother Betty (Charlotte Stewart) is sitting alone waiting for him, Major briggs still not returned. Bobby still thinking about the dream his father told him about, clearly meant a lot to Bobby because his dad dreamed he was proud of him, for once. Lightning flashes, Major Briggs (Don S. Davis) is back! Wearing old timey pilot gear and stubble, hair unkempt round the back? Asking how long he’s been gone (two days). Has he travelled in time?! Gets Bobby to fix him a cocktail, a strong one. “Is everything alright?” “No, not exactly.”

New mysteries:
What’s the deal with Dead Dog Farm?
Did Nicky kill his parents? Is he devilish in some way? – I feel like all the Dick/Andy/Lucy stuff is mainly comedic relief, so if any of this comes to a head it won’t be in an ultra serious and morbid way.
Is Lana actually a witch? – Seems to be!
Is James being set up to kill Jeffrey? – Undoubtedly.
Did this show really just introduce the concepts of witchcraft, time travel and the spawn of Satan in the same damn episode?! – I mean, maybe? Witchcraft seems to make sense with the vibe of the show, I’m not sure about the others just yet.

Old Mysteries:
Who is the father of Lucy’s child?
Who attacked Jacoby?
Who shot Cooper?
Is the Waiter real?
What’s up with this Wyndham Earle character? – Either he’s very perceptive of Cooper’s chess-playing ability, he can see the future, or he’s got an in at the local newspaper.
What’s with the magic Tremond kid? – I think we may have seen the last of this kid, shame.
Who was trying to call Harry at the police station?
If the owls are not what they seem, what are they? – It was asked if an owl was present at Major Briggs’ disappearance, so maybe they’re not just disembodied spirits?
Why does Nadine think she’s 18? Why is she super-strong now?
Who is Cousin Jonathan / Mr. Lee, really?
Why did Wyndham Earle send Cooper a chess move? And now another one? What’s with the chess game, guys?
Where did Bob go? Is he an owl now?
Why were Bobby, Leo and Big Ed brought to the Poirot reveal scene?
What happened to Maj. Briggs? Was he abducted by aliens? Would he even tell us if he was?
What’s the deal with Andrew being alive?
What’s Eckhard going to do now?