I know I’ve seen bits of this before, but I think this was my first time seeing it all in one piece and, hopefully, it’ll be my last as well. The premise is confusing and mangled. Everyone’s favourite energetically chaotic funnyman Robin Williams is laboured with playing the least fun person imaginable, strapped to his giant mobile phone instead of spending time with his kids. Way too much time is spent in the real world before heading into the fantasy realm. It’s just so boring!

When we get to Neverneverland things do certainly pick up. The sets are inarguably impressive, there’s actual action and entertaining sequences, and we get the MVPs of the film, Dustin Hoffman and Bob Hoskins emptying out the entire butcher’s worth of ham as the eponymous Captain Hook and his first mate Smee. These two are a delight, every scene they’re in has energy and campiness to it, and I miss them whenever they’re gone. It doesn’t help that I kind of hate everything with the Lost Boys, and why everyone is so obsessed with Rufio (Dante Basco) I’ll never know. He’s fine, whatever.

I don’t know who this film is for. Kids who love the lost boys will surely be restless and bored through all the Peter doing business stuff scenes, and adults who appreciate the difficulties of attempting a work/family balance surely cannot get on board with a lost boy turning into a literal ball and knocking a bunch of pirates into the water as he rolls down a ramp. I understand there’s a cult following for Hook, I can only assume that’s made up of people who saw this when they were young and cling to that nostalgia like a crocodile to a wrist. Good for them, this one ain’t for me.

Choose Life 4/10