First off, a little back story. As you may know, I’m one of the hosts of Deep Blue Sea: The Podcast, where we’ve covered the entire Deep Blue Sea trilogy one DVD chapter at a time, and are now watching Deep Blue Sea-adjacent films, one a week, with the vain hope that eventually Deep Blue Sea 4 will be released and deemed good enough to spark a box office shattering franchise. Essentially we’re hoping it pulls a Fast & Furious, but with significantly more sharks and an at least equal amount of Kurt Russell. Recently we covered the 2011 movie Shark Night, directed by David R. Ellis and starring Sara Paxton, Dustin Milligan and Donal Logue. That film features a music video at the end of the credits (on the US release, it appears to have been removed in other countries) featuring the majority of the cast rapping a song inspired by the events of the film. It is exactly as glorious as that sounds, and you should absolutely go watch it here. For our 100th episode of Deep Blue Sea: The Podcast we recorded a special episode digging deep into the song and music video but, in my research, I found that the song’s lyrics were not transcribed anywhere online so, being the hero that I am, I now present to you the lyrics for Shark Night‘s Shark Bite:

Dustin Milligan (Nick):
Ice in my mouth so I can taste them all,
Band aids down south ‘cus that’s the place the shark bit.
Mark it! But I only need one take,
To shake or break these guppy-ass sharks in the lake.
Wearing glasses to see D’s wicked redemption,
Kick shark ass in three frickin’ dimensions.
Mess with my crew and BAM! You’re dead!
Just like this mother-sharkin’ hammerhead!
Jam on bread, peanut butter on toast,
I eat a hearty breakfast and I make shark ghosts.
I beat ‘em and I eat ‘em with my shark fin tooth,
Turn my dark thin poop into shark fin soup.
But in reality, a shark fatality,
Ain’t nothing to laugh at, so go and take a pass at
“Triple-dub dot save your sharks dot com,”
The site is da bomb yo, word to your mom, ho!

Sara Paxton (Sara):
Sharks, sharks.
Met my crew but you barely met me,
I’m the “S” to the mother-sharkin’ ara-Palski.
All my friends died, they say I’m grim reapin’
But you better run away when you see the fin creepin’.
Sharks on my block, you can see them take flight,
Sherman on the dock, barking at the great white.
Takin’ dive lessons from Dennis who’s in the grave,
But I told him not to mess with effin’ propellor blades!

Joel David Moore (Gordon):
They call me Gordon like Gekko,
I’m sportin’ fly freckles,
Her name is Busy Beth and she party from the get go.
All around town she want to spread her nookie butter
But she caught off shore by a pack of cookie cutters.

Katharine McPhee (Beth):
Jetskis, dorks, boats and teeny bops,
All are over-looked by short bikini tops!

Joel David Moore (Gordon):
Sharks on my jock,
Sharks on my jock,
Sh-sharks on my j-j-j-jock.

Chris Carmack (Dennis):
I know you’re afraid of the water,
Deep down!
You know there’s a killer in the water!

Katharine McPhee (Beth):
Killer in the water.

Chris Carmack (Dennis):
Deep down!

Chris Carmack (Dennis) & Katharine McPhee (Beth):
Don’t matter it’s a lake there’s a shark in the water!
Sharks, sharks, sharks, sharks, sharks, sharks, sharks, sharks, sharks, sharks, sharks, sharks, sharks, sharks.

Katharine McPhee (Beth):
Doesn’t quite go,
With the rhythm though.

Chris Carmack (Dennis):
Shark, shark, shark, shark, shark, shark, shark, shark, shark, shark, shark.

Katharine McPhee (Beth):
Hell yeah! Hell yeah!

Chris Zylka (Blake):
They call me Blake kid,
And I’m as naked,
As the juice,
Getting ready to let loose!
My tan-line and damn rhymes get’s me paid,
But there’s sharks in the water, aren’t you afraid?
The water’s just waist deep, sharks can’t get me,
‘Cus I blast past so fast on my Jetski!
But when the waves come in I’m gonna save my friend
From the great man killer, watch out, it’s tan-zilla!

Alyssa Diaz (Maya):
My name is Maya,
And I’m cry-cryin’ all the time,
Because some mother-f’ing shark ate my boyfriend’s arm.
And now I’m crying as I cradle his head,
I yell out to Nick, “Full speed ahead!”
The boat is rocked and I take my tumble,
With rhymes so fresh that I didn’t st-st-stumble.

Dustin Milligan (Nick), Sara Paxton (Sara) & Sinqua Walls (Malik):
Go Maya! Swim Maya! Keep tryin! No.

Sinqua Walls (Malik):
When I’m alone in my room, sometimes I stare at my arm,
And in the back of my mind I hear my conscience call.
Tellin’ me to spear shark whose as mean as a thug,
For the first time in my life, I see I need hugs.
There I was, giggling about the game,
That I had been on many lakes and I ain’t sayin’ no names,
Then a thought occurred as tears made my eyes blur,
Then I think to myself “What has he done to her?”
Don’t care where you’re at, you’re either here or there,
I swear, me and Nick will find you anywhere.
Gonna spear your head until you’re dead,
Screaming “Bring back Maya” ‘til the water turns red.
I searched the whole night for that great white,
And when I finally find him I’m gonna fight and fight.
Tossing, and turning, in that glass lake,
Put a spear in his head, make his whole body shake.
I need hugs.
Shark, listen to me.
When I’m standing in that lake,
All alone,
Staring at my arm,
Fantasies, they come through my mind, man.
I come to realise,
I hate your butt.
And if you swim by my feet,
Make yourself seen.
I’ll be waiting,
I’ll spear you.

So there you have it, the profound and insightful lyrics to Shark Bite. For further thoughts and greater insight check out the podcast episode dedicated to it, with me, my co-host Mark Hofmeyer, and guests Nick Rehak, Megan Hofmeyer and Mallory Hofmeyer. Listen here: https://www.spreaker.com/user/11106493/shark-night-redux