2011 is drawing to a close, and let’s be honest, it hasn’t been a terrific year for film, but worry not, in just over a week a new year will be upon us, and its already looking like a cinematic doozy. Here’s my pick of what’s likely to be saucering my eyes next year:
Marvel’s dream team of superheroes line up to face a world threatening attack, as well as each other, in Joss Whedon’s epic ultimate crossover.
The Pirates! In An Adventure with Scientists
Aardman are back with more traditional stop-motion animation and characters comparable with Wallace and Gromit, and just as silly.
Men in Black III
Doubters hold fire, part 2 was a blip that can be hastily ignored as Will Smith’s Agent J goes back in time to team up with Josh Brolin as a 60s Agent K.
Ridley Scott making a new Alien film? With Charlize Theron, Noomi Rapace, Patrick Wilson, Rafe Spall and LVF favourites Idris Elba and Michael Fassbender? Count me in.
Rock of Ages
Same director as the abominable Hairspray remake, but this features much better music and a far superior cast (no Christopher Walken though).
Jack the Giant Killer
Bryan Singer’s fairy tale reboot sees Nicholas Hoult ascending the bean stalk to fight a giant and rescue a princess.
The Dark Knight Rises
Micro-budget indie you’ve probably never heard of about some guy who gets his kicks dressing up as a flying squirrel. Or something.
Family Guy’s Seth MacFarlane makes his live action debut in a tale of a talking teddy bear. Sounds much better than I just described.
Pixar. ‘nuf said.
A rom-zom-com, but with a zombie falling in love with a person. Sounds mental, hopefully will be.
A movie about a cyclist! Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s NYC delivery guy goes up against Michael Shannon’s corrupt cop.
Brick’s Rian Johnson directs Gordon Levitt (again) as a hitman tasked with killing his future self (Bruce Willis). I’ve just realised how ridiculous that sounds, so I’m eager to see where on Earth they take it.
Ben Affleck’s next directorial outing, focussing on a CIA operation to extract hostages from Iran in 1979, by directing a fake movie. Produced by Clooney and starring John Goodman.
Zombieland’s Ruben Fleischer takes a break from directing Jesse Eisenberg comedies to pit Josh Brolin and Ryan Gosling’s 1940’s policemen against Sean Penn’s Mickey Cohen.
The Expendables 2
Just look at that cast. Stallone, Statham, Van Damme, Lundgren, Li, Hemsworth, Couture, Crews, Willis, Schwarzenegger, Chuck frickin’ Norris! Just need Steven Seagal and we’re done.
No idea what this is. Supposed to be good though.
It’s not all looking good though, and I think my 2012 would probably be preferable without this bunch:
The Amazing Spider-Man
Sam Raimi’s films were good, at times great, and made just the other day. I don’t care how much of a reimagining this may be, there are plenty more original films I’d rather see.
Why release one Snow White film, when you can release two? Tarsem Singh’s release may pip the Kristen Stewart starring Snow White and the Huntsmen to the post, but it’s nauseating candy-coloured visuals and starring of Lily “daughter of Phil” Collins as White makes me ill just typing about it.
Wrath of the Titans
Did no-one see Clash of the Titans? Alas, I did, in the cinema, in what was laughably called 3D (never again), so I apologise for my part in the financial gains that must have led to this unnecessary, unasked for and frankly unwanted sequel. Screw you Sam Worthington, learn another bloody accent.
Because James Cameron doesn’t have enough money. Retro-fitting 3D should be a hanging offence.
The navy fights an alien invasion, made by a group of people who apparently have never played the board game.