A woman, Giulietta (director Federico Fellini’s wife, Giulietta Masina), suspects her husband Giorgio (Mario Pisu) is having an affair, as he forgets their anniversary, takes her successful, attractive friends to events and says the names of other women in his sleep. Instead of confronting him, Giulietta begins to experience more of life with the help of her more sexually adventurous neighbour (Sandra Milo).
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Whilst out on a date, two kids (Steve McQueen and Aneta Corsaut) see something fall from the sky. Upon investigating they find an old man with a strange amorphous substance covering his right hand. They rush him to the local doctor, but things get worse when the substance appears to grow and digest the arm’s owner, and no-one in a position of authority with believe the kids’ story.
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In New York, a horrid freeloader by the name of Holly Golightly flitters through life utterly oblivious to how vile and despicable she is, mooching off everyone, never doing anything to benefit society and aiding criminals along the way. She receives a new upstairs neighbour, Paul Varjak (George Peppard), whom she insists on calling Fred because that’s how frustrating a creature she is. Paul is a semi-failed penniless writer working as a sort-of escort on the side. He is bemused by Holly’s lifestyle and inexplicably falls for her, despite her gold-digging tendencies and his own significant lack of funds.
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Kind Louis XIV of France (Alan Rickman) has commissioned a new garden for the palace of Versailles, and instructed his landscaper Andre (Matthias Schoenaerts) to the task. He interviews many different garden designer for the garden’s various segments, finally settling upon the alternatively-minded Sabine (Kate Winslet) for the role, much to the chagrin of the men who will be working under and alongside her.
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I’m not going to waste any more time on this than I have to. Heaven and Earth Magic is, to quote John Cleese, a senseless waste of human life. It’s 66 minutes of crude, jerky, 1950s stop motion that pieces together to form not one single iota of sense. It’s the kind of film where trying to decode the nonsense and assemble some kind of coherent narrative would drive you utterly insane, because it’s nothing but objects and outlines, interacting with one another in increasingly bizarre ways. Any such plot that could be assigned to the goings-on would do so via great leaps of metaphor, and many threadbare external references applied.
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Doug (Justin Bartha) is getting married in two days, so his buddies Phil (Bradley Cooper) and Stu (Ed Helms) take him to Las Vegas for his bachelor party, with Doug’s soon-to-be brother-in-law Alan (Zach Galifianakis) tagging along too. They have a wild time on Friday night, but come Saturday morning Phil, Stu and Alan wake up to a trashed hotel suite, a baby in a closet, a tiger in the bathroom and Doug nowhere to be seen. They’ve got just 24 hours to sort everything out and get Doug back in time for his own wedding.
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A disfigured English-speaking man (Ralph Fiennes) is being cared for by a nurse (Juliette Binoche) in Italy during World War 2. Whilst being moved his condition worsens, so she cares for him in the ruins of a monastery where they are joined by some bomb disposal technicians (Naveen Andrews and Kevin Whately) and a thumb-less Canadian (Willem Dafoe). All the while the man struggles to remember who he is, recalling his past sharing an affair with a British woman (Kristen Scott Thomas) married to one of the man’s colleagues (Colin Firth).
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Two arrested bandits are being transported by the governor’s son Chang (Wong Chung) when the bandit gang sets upon them, rescuing their members, slaying all of Chang’s men and taking him prisoner. Legendary warrior Golden Swallow (Cheng Pei-pei) is sent to rescue Chang, who is also her brother, and along the way she receives help from a kung fu master living as a drunken beggar named Drunken Cat (Yueh Hua).
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Clay Gregory (Bill Pullman) has successfully acquired $700,000 via a dodgy drug deal, but he wasn’t expecting his wife Bridget (Linda Fiorentino) to run off with it whilst he was in the shower. She flees New York City and lays low in the small town of Beston in Buffalo, aware that if she spends any of the money and her husband catches up with her he’ll legally own half of her belongings, and she can’t go back to New York or he’ll find her. So instead she settles down in Beston with the unassuming Mike (Peter Berg), a local man back in town after something went wrong with his recent marriage in Florida. Mike wants out of Beston, and Bridget knows just how they can help one another out.
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This review was originally written as part of my USA Road Trip for French Toast Sunday. It was also suggested for me to watch by Lindsay Street of French Toast Sunday, and is amongst the supposed “Bad” movies suggested by Chip and Steve.
In northern Baltimore, Divine (Divine) is living under the alias of Babs Johnson after being heralded with the title of the Filthiest Person Alive, which evidently in this work is front page news. She lives in a trailer with her son Crackers (Danny Mills), her mother Edie (Edith Massey) and their travelling companion Cotton (Mary Vivian Pearce). More on them later. Upon learning of Divine’s notoriety a couple, Connie and Raymond Marble (Mink Stole and David Lochary), who believe they are the rightful recipients of the award, set out to prove they are far more filthy than Divine, and aim to bring her down in the process.
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Life Vs Film 